The Crack on Attack
by kyleganbe
Summary: Kyle got warped into the attack on titan series because of one simple wish. Her soul mission is to screw up the series as much as possible. . . Basically a crack fiction with a Levi x OC story as well.
1. Chapter 1

"You there!" He yelled. "Who the hell are you!"

The girl smiled like a high person and then saluted the wrong way.

"Crack kid, from Shiganshina, cir!"

He blinked once, then twice. "Are you fucking with me? Cadet!?"

She bobbled her head and then... "YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

 **Attack on Crack**

Chapter One

 _one by one_

* * *

 _Ehh hehe_... I forgot to mention... I'm from the future and the gods sent me to mess with the titans. Just kidding, I'm from the real world because life sucks there. It's boring. When a car hit me in my other world, god let me have one last wish before I passed on. He's was probably expecting this, ' _lord please protect my family from the same fate as me_...' actually he got this... ' _I WANT TO GO INTO ATTACK ON TITAN AND FIGHT DE TITANNNS!_ ' I said it like Eren when he screamed it after his mother's death.

I'm now running laps because of what I did earlier and every time I pass Sasha... here she is now! Potato girl was running like this was nothing. She was from a clan of hunters though. I jog next to her, "Run, bitch RRRUUUUUUUUUNNNN!"

I scream that every time I pass her.

She probably thinks I'm on drugs. _Do they have drugs in this time?_

The commander said to run until we collapse. I'm just going to pretend to die for 15 minutes and call it good. He never said we had to actually collapse though... I 'accidentally' trip of my feet and face plant into the ground. If it's pretending to get injured I'm the best at it. I used this tacit in gym most day. Who want to do gym when you can sleep in the nurses office?

I scream for help, but nobody comes so I crawl over to the building where everyone was having dinner. The commander said Sasha couldn't have dinner, but I never ate a potato so I get it. Sucks to suck. I earn gazes from other who were just starting to eat. My eyes search for friends. I forgot, I have none. Then I shall make some~

I grab a plate and sit my ass down next to this bald kid. His hair is really short. "Hiya," I start. "Y-your crack kid!" He yells.

Everyone's eyes come to us. I deadpan. Is this going to happen every time I talk to someone? Connie points a finger in my face reluctantly and says, "Your brave."

I blink a couple times. Me? Brace? I burst out laughing pointing at him like an idiot. "Your funny." Then I start to dig into my food crazier than Sasha ever would. All there was to eat was bread and very little soup. Ever since the fall of Wall Maria, the crops rates were low. I learned that from the manga!

I think if there was an anime school I would ace it! Keeping up with studies in my school is harder than ever, especially math. MATH- Mental abuse to humans. At least that how I think of it. My eyes wonder to the right, uh-oh!

"Listen to yourself, you think your smart, eh?"

"Shut it, stupid!"

"Fucking horse face!"

I sat in my spot laughing at the many thoughts of Jean marrying horses. Then I started mimicking their conversation with my hands. People probably labeled me as the freak by now.

"Oh my bad, I tend to speak my mind sometimes..." Jean trailed off. "Never meant to upset you."

 _WHAT? WHAT-THE-FUCK!_ Jean apologized! Oh my lord... This must be the day where Jesus must be walking on water cause there is no day where Jean and Eren never apologize.

"Sure let's forget about it and be friends." they both highfived each other and Jean watched Eren leave the place. This was not happening. Mikasa started walking past Jean. This is the moment where he turns into a love stuck girl. I need popcorn.

"H-hey you..." She stopped to look at him. "I never see anyone like you a-and your hair is beautiful."

Was he always this bad at flirting? Sorry Jean, I'm a Eren x Mikasa shipper so... you two ain't gonna happen on my watch.

"Thanks."

She walked out of the place and I followed behind her like a ninja. Then I saw Jean watching Mikasa catch up to Eren. They two childhood friends looked at each other and Eren touched the tips of her hair. "... Ain't your hair a bit long. You should cut it."

Inside Mikasa is like. _Anything for you my sweet Eren~_

I'm like, _dammit just kiss her_. _I've waited how many chapters and episode for this! Now I have a chance to witness it in real life!_

Mikasa played with her hair. "Yeah, I'll cut it."

I looked behind myself... Jean was slapping Connie's back whipping off his 'trust' towards Eren.

Suddenly I scream, "REJECTED!"

I gain a glare from him. Mikasa turns around and faces me. _Ekk she's gonna kill me!_ Eren looked stunned.

"Who the hell are you?" Eren asked.

"Crack kid..." Mikasa said.

I give her thumbs up. "Yeah, well. Now I'm a sexy ass ninja and must go back to my village Naruto style..." I ran away into the most randomest spot with my arm flaying behind my back. I just returned to my dorm ready to go to bed. Long day. First running, second dinner, and running like Naruto. Not something I get to do everyday.

I flop into bed closing my eyes...


	2. Chapter 2

This was the day we test out our 3DMG... I can't wait to see Eren fail!

"First thing, let's see if your good for something. Just tie the ropes to both your puny sides

and use your full body belt's for balance. Those who can't manage will be titan feed!"

First it was Mikasa, perfect as usual. She was hanging without effort.

Sasha hung like she gave no fucks, now just image her eating a potato in the process.

Next was Eren. They started to bring him up higher and higher... He's struggling to keep his balance.

You can see the sweat on his face... Then here it comes... As he falls to the ground and at the right moment.

He hits his head on the dirt. "I've go the moves like Jeager!" I shout laughing.

"CADET KYLE! SHUT THE FUCK UP OR YOU'LL BE TITAN FEED!"

* * *

 **Crack on Attack**

Chapter 2

 _crack kid at it again_

* * *

I stared at the boy who had this surprised look on his face that never seemed to disappear. Eren was currently up side down and shocked at his disadvantages. People were starring at him disappointed. The other day he did declare that he would determinate the titans. Jean was looking at him trying not to laugh, _I was the saaammmmmeee_.

"Cadet Kyle it's now your turn!"

I looked at Keith and gave him the thumbs up. I already knew the 3DMG is rigged to why not get ridiculous. As I settled myself onto the thing I had this drunken smile on my face. My body was being hoisted up slowly and at that moment I knew I was going to fall. "Crack kid at it again!" I shout before falling. My head hits the _g_ round and I yell, "HEYEAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Inside Keith was face palming himself to death. Other were looking at me like I belong in an asylum. Which I probably should be, but who the fuck cares. A big throbbing feeling comes to my head. It feel like a massive brain freeze combined with a monkey slapping you with a banana.

Out of the corner of my eye before blacking out I saw Mikasa and the blonde cinnamon roll carry Eren from the area.

* * *

 _Holy shit_... _I think I see Jesus_...

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know just leave the crazy bitch alone."

"Jean!"

 _Nope it's Marco_. I slowly open my half open eyelids and hurriedly sit up. Whoa... Then I felt my body fall back suddenly being caught by freckled Jesus. "Are you okay?" he asks.

"I feel like I've been slapped by a monkey..."

They both gave me confused looks. Oh yeah... They don't know about the outside world yet... My bad.

"Never mind that, what the hell are you helping me for?"

"I-I thought you-"

"See Marco, the crazy bitch doesn't want any help so just leave em' be."

"Did you just call me bitch?"

"Yeah? Gotta problem?"

"Who wouldn't have a problem with you horse face?" Suddenly something pops to my mind. "Have you and Marco made out yet?"

"So who's the top?" I ramble on... "You guys would be _soooo_ cute!"

Marco's blush was obvious. Jean's furious redness on his face made him look like Rudolf. Too bad he already has a nickname. I shrug out loud. "Well damn, by the looks of it you guys seem like a couple."

"SHUT UP CRACK KID! DO WE LOOK GAY!?"

"Yeah."

"GAH! I'm going to kill you!" Jean charges for me, but the bigger guy Marco holding him back by the armpits. "Marco let go!"

"Kyle please run while you can."

I get into a fighting stance. "I can take em'! Set the horse free Marco!"

"Please Kyle just run!"

I give him a pouting face. "Fine..." I slowly walk away heading to the mess hall.

I kick the rock by my foot and scream in anger just because. I really did want to fight a horse. It was on my bucket list before I die and here I won't live long... Will i be eaten by a titan, killed by Jean, or murdered by Kenny?

I took a seat between Mikasa and Sasha. Then started eating...


	3. Chapter 3

Phiia, _chapter 1_

 **I love this**

-why, thank you!

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DralVanDral, _chapter 2_

 **Herro, it's That One (not so really OC) Ackerman again :D**

 **Yes, I made myself a new account just so I can favorite and follow your story.**

 **'Shut up crack kid! Do we look gay?!'**

 **I just about completely lost it right then and there. It's not a good thing reading this story at like, freakin' 1 am, y'know, because I laugh so loud and I might disrupt my neighbors, buuut... who cares?! This story so far is freakin' hilarious and I just. Can't. Stop. Laughing.**  
 **Again, just a few minor spelling errors, but that's okay as long as I get the context of your crack fic xD**

 **Please, please, PLEASE update as soon as possible! I cannot wait to read more!**  
 **Keep up the good work!**

 **-Drew**

-you made yourself anew account for this story? your da best :D

I love reading crack stories and watching anime crack at like 1am cause

ya know, I get overly tired and laugh like someone who belongs in an asylum. LOL

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Imorta!, _chapter 2_

 **Me in a nutshell. Also every time I try to do an Attack On Titan roleplay (as I'm always alone when I do) this is always what happens, even if I'm acting as and even if I'm acting as a character this happens, only character I can get right is Levi but I loved ping crack things with him.**

-LOL, me 2!

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Guest, _chapter 1_

 **Oh my god even though it's just the first chapter, it's funny as hell!**

-Glad you like it :)

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Another Guest, _chapter 1_

 **Okay, so, in all honesty, I don't remember the last time I chuckled and cackled and laughed so hard like, three sentences into the story. Of course there were some spelling mistakes here and there, nothing that would really have a major impact, but so far I can't wait for more.**  
 **I really wanna know how she fucks with the SnK world, and how did you come up with that in the first place? This really got me hooked (yes I'm still laughing at that last mental image and I can't stop).**  
 **I hope you'll update soon!**

 **-That One OC Ackerman**

-I promise to update :), I came up with it after watching some AOT crack on YouTube,

I'm glad to hear that my writing is making people laugh!

* * *

 **Crack on Attack**

Chapter 3

 _dat ass_

* * *

"Eren Jeager, are you ready?" Keith announced. "The ability to operate three dimensional maneuver gear is the absolute lowest requirement for a soldier. If you cannot do this, we'll send you back to landfill. Understand?"

Eren was standing having the two cord connected to his gear. I was right after him! He had this scary determined look on his handsome face. He is like I WILL DO THIS! When he will really land on his face again.

they started lifting him up and surprisingly he was staying up. 3... 2... 1... "EVERYBODY DO THE FLOP!" and he fell! With his ass sticking up in the process!

"AHH!" Eren yelled in pain.

"KYLE SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WON'T GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROVE YOUR WORTHLESSNESS!"

"I'm sorry, cir! Here have a snickers, it'll cheer you up!" I run up to him smiling, pulling out the piece of wood wrapped in brown paper with the word _SNICKERS_ written on it. He took it starring at it trying to mentally kill it with his gaze.

"What the fuck is this cadet?"

"A snickers, cir." I saluted and walked back into the crown with jazz hands. Nothing creepy going on here... OMG! He put it into his pocket, this is a miracle! Keith Shadis accepted a gift! I always knew he hated potatoes, but snickers are different.

He turned back to Eren and starred at him, hard. "Put him down," he ordered.

He sat on the ground defeated, awe looks like he can't fight anymore titans... Just kidding. "Wagner, exchange you gear with Eren's!"

"Yes, cir."

After exchanging gears, Eren got it right off the bat. Not bad. He's almost as good as Mikasa, but it's my turn now! I let them hook up my gear and raise me up. I sat there waiting for my body to fall. The impact wasn't coming. Where is my clumsiness at?

"You pass cadet."

"FUCK!" I scream.

Everyone looks at me. I reluctantly wave back.

* * *

 _Time skip brought to you by Levi's sexiness..._

* * *

 _Combat time..._ This is the part where I suck at taking people down. It was me, Eren, and Reiner paired up to spar. It was my turn to spar Reiner and he had the wooden knife. I was suppose to take him down.

"Fuck this shit I'm out~" I sang waving Reiner off. "Eren you go in!"

"N-no, you go-!"

Suddenly Reiner was charging for me. He had the knife at his side with both his hands clutching it. As he ran at me, his eyes held this dark glare ready to kill me. All I had to do was take him down, but how was I suppose to beat a guy who is ten times my height?!

He was getting close! My body reacted by climbing over him and pushing his back with my two legs. I looked like a angry horse doing that... Reiner landed on his face well I landed on all fours hissing at him.

Eren looked at me like 'WTF'.

I plopped on my butt breathing. Reiner got back up and charged at me again. I know he wasn't going full force because he had the knife. If he wasn't handling the knife I would have been dead meat. When he got near me again, I chopped his neck like a karate master. Then he went flying to the ground again. So he couldn't get back up again, I straddled his back giving him a wet willy in the ear.

"Ew! Get off me!"

Eren stepped back and laughed. I joined in laughing with both my hands on my stomach. I noticed Reiner glancing at me devilishly. All of a sudden the world spun and I was under Reiner. He was chuckling with a smirk, pinning both my hand over my head. "Despite your crazy weirdness you could make a great bitch."

I spit on his head and kicked his stomach making him get off me. "Don't fuck with me, _brat_." I pulled a captain Levi there giving him the emotionless look. I walked over to Eren handing him the knife.

"How did you get it from him?"

"Easy, I took it before he pinned me down. I'm not that much of a hard head ya' know."

Eren tossed Reiner the knife and started sparring with him. I started walking over to a different group. Right before Reiner pinned me to the ground I snuck the knife from his hand without him noticing. Even in my world you need survival skills. See, I learned how to do that in school by stealing pencil's from other kids when I ran out. Which was almost everyday.

Potato girl and Baldy! Awe, they would make a great couple! Look at them fooling around, I found my people. I went over to them and sided with Sasha doing her crane stand. Connie had the knife in his mouth looking like a snake. "WAAAAA!" I yelled kicking my foot twice.

"What are you cadets doing?"

"Hey, cir!"

"Get back to your group, cadet." He was talking to me...

"Hai, Hai, but you know, cir. Who wants to go back with the Angry German kid and the chicken nugget? They are too rough on a little girl like me."

"CADET!" He yelled. "Do you want laps?"

"NOPE!" I ran away back to my group.

I watched Annie take down Eren. He landed with his face stuck in his ass. A chuckle escapes from my mouth, then Reiner looks at me smirking. "Why doesn't Kyle try you Annie?" He threw me the knife.

Annie turned her pissed off face at me. I didn't do anything! I walked over here and now I have to fight this laughing maniac!

"H-hey A-Annie let's be- have a snickers!" I threw it at her face.

She instantly increases her pissed-off-ness and charged at me. The blond gripped my face. I knew what was going to happen next. I'm going to say bye bye to my leg. Actually, I jumped up before she could kick me and round housed her back. She didn't budge. Uh, fuck? I duck and run away from her. My hand chuck he knife at her face. She starred me down blankly.

"The knife is yours, cause dis chick don't wanna die." I give her the peace sign.

"Your the weirdest person I've ever met. If something were to happen, you would have been dead..."

"Chatty chit chat! chatty chatty chit chat." I don't care. If I was kidnapped, they would send me back because I am too annoying. "Please don't start a speech... Why don't you try to take her down Reiner?"

Eren was still on the ground as he spoke up, "Yeah, it's your responsibility as a soldier? Your the one who taught me that..."

It look like Eren was talking from his ass. Funny shit there...

In a second, Reiner was on the ground like Eren. I started laughing, and she attacked me. I was now apart of ass-in-the-face club.


	4. Chapter 4

_(3rd POV chapter)_

* * *

The blonde ran in the rain with droplets trailing down his face. "He," he breathed heavily. "Da.. Dammit."

Reiner came by and stole his backpack from the blonde, and put it on his own back.

"If you do that they're gonna fail you."

"if you don't want them to find out get moving! Now, before I change my mind!"

What they didn't know was a particular commander watching them. _Reiner Braun._

 _Stronghold, with a solid constitution. Most adept at gaining the trusts of his comrades,_ Keith thought.

Behind Reiner, Armin sneaked up grabbing back his backpack back.

"This is just some luggage. I'd rather die that have it this way."

Reiner got confused. "What?! Hey!"

 _Armin Arlert. Weak physical aptitude by a soldier's standard, but intelligent when it_

 _comes to theoretical courses. Should he ever find his own Niche... then probably..._

* * *

 **Crack on Attack**

Chapter 4

 _evaluation_

* * *

"Dammit, Annie and Bertholt again!" Jean cursed.

Two other followed behind him moving with the 3D Maneuver gear with their gas pulling them from wooden titan to wooden titan. Where Annie and Bertholt are, they kept on slicing titan's like a race. What they didn't know, an instructor was taking notes about them and other cadets by standing on platform in a tree.

 _Annie Leonhart. She strikes with perfect angle... her blow carve deep into the target._

 _She's a solitary type, and solidarity doesn't come easy to her._

He scribbled some more notes into his notepad. _Bertholt Hover. High ability in hand to hand combat. he seems to have great potential, but lacks self confidence and tend to leave it to other when showing some assertiveness._

Jean swerved by with his gear thinking to himself, _forget about cutting deep. I gotta spot the titan's first and_.. "GET INTO THE MILITARY POLICE." he spotted the next wooden titan, but Connie was closely catching up to him.

 _Jean Kirstein_. _Highly competent with maneuver gear and skilled at using it._

 _He's good at asserting the situation, but know to start conflicts_.

"Here it is!" Jean shouted going for the titan. Connie appeared out of nowhere gaining on Jean's wooden titan. "Connie your asshole!"

Connie smirked at his victory. "Thanks a bunch Jean!" he said, almost cutting into the titan.

 _Connie Springer. Good balance especially making right turns, but_

 _he's slow to uptake and his grasp of strategy is often less than perfect._

The boy was too slow. A certain brown haired girl took the cut first, she cheered with her hands in the air.

"Wha... SASHA?!"

 _Sasha Blous. Lightning fast, with an uncanny intuition._

 _But her eccentricity makes her unfit for group situations_.

"I've been tailing you from above, Connie. And it was worth it!"

"Bloody hell," Connie cursed.

"Sasha go follow someone else!" Jean yelled from afar.

"You hear that Sasha?!" Connie join in.

Meanwhile, there a black haired girl who was vastly going from titan to titan with abnormal speed. Everyone expected this from the one and only Mikasa Ackerman. Behind her was Eren racing to get the titan first. In circles Mikasa spun on both titans in an _S_ formation.

 _Mikasa Ackerman. A prodigy who excels in most difficult courses. An unrepresented genius, deserving nothing, but top grades._

Eren cut into one of the titans trying to get deeper than Mikasa's cut. Every time he competed with her, he lost. It pissed him off his adopted sister coulfd be better than him and still get protective over him. He sat on the titan's nape cursing.

 _Eren Jeager. No particular talent aside from his excellent close combat skills. But he's been slowly and steadily improving his grades. His sense of determination is better than anyone else's._

Behind the German kid was a eerie girl who was lolly gagging on her gear. She had this bored expression on her face, her hands weren't holding any weapon, and she just pounced from titan to titan. _I'd rather be in bed than doing things like this..._ When she saw a titan with no marks on it and nobody around. Just because she seemed weak, doesn't mean she was...

The girl took out her swords and cut the nape in a flash. Faster than anyone else here.

 _Kyle Straut. Despite her weirdness, she is fordable soldier... She shows great penmanship in class courses._


End file.
